Inside an Iowa Caucus/Circus

NOBODY SHOULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THE IOWA CAUCUSES...

FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I cannot figure out how we landed this plum job.

FIRST IN THE NATION.  

The candidates all come here...they spend a YEAR coming here. The candidates woo us, they sponsor dinners, lunches, rock concerts. They have small town meet and greets...they are here, they are accessible, and they act like IOWA IS THEIR BEST FRIEND...and their sole goal is to WIN IN IOWA.

WHY???

Iowa is NOT a little cross-section of America. Whereas 80% of the American population lives in or near a major city -- WE DON'T EVEN HAVE ONE. (Des Moines has about 200,000 people).

Here's another thing -- we are NOT a typical population. According to the latest Census -- our population is: White: 90.57% -- compared to 72% for the country as a whole.  That alone should disqualify Iowa...

We should NOT have this job...and I can say that because I live in Iowa -- and I caucused.  

Frankly, I went because my friend Kathy (who lives in Pennsylvania) laid a guilt trip on me. I know there are millions of people in this country who would LOVE to have this much early access to the candidates....and I know how lucky I am to live in a country where WE GET TO ELECT our leaders. I was ashamed of my apathy...

But, participating in the Iowa Caucus process has always been a disappointing, frustrating experience.  I've done it before  -- and each time, I SWEAR I will never do it again. IT IS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL WASTE OF TIME. But, how much can I complain about what happens in this country if I don't participate? Ugh... 

So I went.

The Iowa Caucus is a ridiculous event. I am telling you -- if the rest of the country could actually see what goes on inside the Iowa Caucuses -- no candidate with half a brain cell would spend a nickel in this state.

Here we go...

At 6:45, I walked into the Princeton, Iowa elementary school. Everybody had to be IN THE ROOM by 7:00. At that time, the temporary chairman (an unpaid volunteer)...reads instructions aloud from the very confusing written manual provided by the Democratic party.

The first order of business is to "elect" the temporary volunteer chairman to be the actual chairman of our precinct....(I have no idea how she was chosen in the first place, but the whole room quickly affirmed her position.)

We had 70 people (in a town of 900).  (many towns have less than a dozen attendees).

This number is important, because there's a lot of "MATH".  We all sat in the folding chairs, and patiently waited to be told what to do.

Here's the math: Princeton had 70 attendees. Based on our population, we have 2 delegates to the Iowa State convention...that means (for some reason) -- our number is 25% of 70. Get it? Right...nobody else did either. But, that meant a candidate must have 18 people in order to be "viable".

Are you still with me? (hang on -- it only gets worse)...

Theoretically, the candidates each have a "rep" with a card table and some stickers. At my caucus, we had six card tables:  Pete Buttigieg, Andrew Yang, Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren.

The "rep" can stand up for the candidate and explain who they are. Which is important -- because before we walked in the room -- most of us didn't know anything about these people beyond the annoying, constant television ads. Based on those ads, I would have thought Tom Steyer was going to be a major player on this night. But the big miss for him was that he DIDN'T HAVE ANYBODY IN THE ROOM. Ugh...so, nobody stood up for him. He did not have a card table with his sign on it...

And -- how about this -- the same kid who spoke for Andrew Yang also spoke for Pete Buttigieg. WHA??

After those 60 second endorsements (most of the candidate reps are enthusiastic college kids)...we do the "first round".  Which means -- you go to your candidates "area"...and you stand.  We had 15 minutes to settle into our groups.  Based on my ten minutes of internet research earlier in the day, and the strong personality of her young rep -- I decided to stand for Amy Klobuchar.

Here's where the math comes into play. In order to be viable in Princeton, Iowa, a candidate needed 18 people.

After the first round, only Pete was viable. He had 24 people; Amy had 13; Biden 9, Bernie 8, Elizabeth 10, Andrew, 6....

Then, the real fun begins. The second round. Candidate groups are supposed to talk to one another, maybe "discuss the issues?".

Basically, people stand around awkwardly...looking at one another, trying to decide who's vulnerable. Maybe you know a neighbor in the Elizabeth Warren camp...or you recognize that red-headed guy from a recent basketball game at the high school.  At some point, the "non-viable" people get wooed (or bullied) into moving to a different candidate.

IF YOU DON'T MOVE -- and continue to stand with a Non-viable candidate -- you are totally wasting your time....as your presence at this caucus will not be noted or acknowledged.

Amy's kid was good. He convinced some of the Biden people to come to the Klobuchar camp -- and at the end of the second round, Amy was viable with 18 people. (also, one of our people brought over her cousin from the Andrew Lang camp...I'm pretty sure she bribed him with doughnuts....)

At the end of the second round, Princeton Iowa had two viable candidates. Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar. 

I left as soon as our two viable candidates were determined.  I was home by 8:30.  But the volunteer-woman-who-was-in-charge had to stay until she reported the results.  THAT job, thanks to a failed APP, and a much-too-small phone bank -- was impossible.  I'm not sure if she gave up or not.  And, AT SOME POINT, IT DOES NOT MATTER...!!

Here's the sad thing.  I have friends and family that caucused in Cedar Rapids, Davenport, Bettendorf, Dewitt and Des Moines. Although it IS NOT OFFICIAL (trust me -- there will NEVER be an official, believable count of these caucuses) -- Mayor Pete was the winner at every caucus -- which surprised me...

If Iowa hadn't done SUCH A PISS POOR JOB -- Pete Buttigieg would have gone into New Hampshire with big wind in his sail.

But -- that didn't happen.  Which is a shame. 

So -- here's my point.....

IOWA SHOULD NOT BE THE FIRST IN THE NATION. LET'S JUST ALL AGREE THAT IOWA IS NOT UP TO THE JOB. It's too much pressure, people. This year proves, once and for all -- that IOWA IS NOT CAPABLE OF DOING THIS ....

This is my most fervent plea to all potential presidential candidates. DO NOT COME BACK TO IOWA. We cannot fix this.

Do you know how I know this?  BECAUSE WHAT JUST HAPPENED -- THE FIASCO THAT WAS 2020 IOWA CAUCUSES....THIS WAS HOW WE FIXED THE MESS WE MADE IN 2016.

We are not worthy. Go someplace else. If you love America -- stay away...far far away...Save yourselves.