Taking A Look Back...

Recently, my friend Val did a search for her name on my blog...and she was surprised by how often I wrote about her. THIS particular post was published in May, 2011.  As I was re-reading it, I got a jolt by the mention of both Donald Trump and Oprah Winfrey...in the same blog post....OMG...I may have ESP, people...


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This is my world. I live in the middle of a cornfield in the State of Iowa...

Most days, I sit in my living room, in my Lazy-Boy, with the foot rest cranked up. I usually have a rice bag positioned behind my neck...(otherwise, with all the hours I spend on the computer, I'd have a terrible neck ache.)

My laptop is sitting right where it belongs. On my lap. So, this is how I work.

AND -- as you know -- the television is ALWAYS ON.


(in this case, a rerun of Gunsmoke...which is our 6:00 PM habit nowadays...old westerns...)

You name the show and I probably watch it. I start with the TODAY show...then move on to the View, All My Children, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, Rachael Ray, Oprah, Dr. Phil, all-things-HGTV, any season of the Real Housewives, Project Runway, DWTS, Americal Idol, SYTYCD, The Voice, Celebrity Apprentice, American Pickers, every Law and Order...well -- you get the idea.

And I just want to say that this week has been THE BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF MY TELEVISION LIFE.

Really.

Starting with the Celebrity Apprentice "FINALE" on Sunday night. Of course I knew John Rich was going to win. For crying out loud -- he designed a ZEBRA SODA CAN...!!

But -- can any of you tell me who won that final challenge? Was it Marlee? John? Did the 7-Up executives pick the basketball game or the concert as the winning event???

YOU DON'T KNOW, DO YOU??? Because they forgot to announce that little detail...

Terrible editing...just awful...somebody ought to fire Donald Trump for turning his own big "Finale" into such a phoney snoozefest...

Here's another problem this week...American Idol. It's the big 'FINALE"...I've been watching for months. They made me fall in love with Stephen Tyler. I was thrilled when they used the judge's save to bring Casey back...and I managed to get over my Pia disappointment...

Even though I was not excited about a match-up with Scotty/Lauren -- the two 16 year olds -- I'm still a fan of the show. I do exactly what they've programmed me to do. I tune in every single Wednesday...

HOWEVER...for the first time all season -- some genius executive decided to run the big AMERICAN IDOL FINALE on TUESDAY instead of WEDNESDAY?? WHA???

Like millions of other people -- I missed the first half hour. WHAT?

But MY BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT of this disappointing week of over-hyped FINALES happened on Wednesday. The day of the final episode of the Oprah show.

After 25 years, Oprah is saying goodbye...

I cannot imagine my life without my daily fix of Oprah....

It seemed fitting that I should watch the final Oprah show with the only person in the world who watches as much television as me -- my friend Valerie.

We settled in with our Kleenex and braced ourselves for this momentous occasion...and a moving, memorable hour of historic television...

Turns out, we didn't need the Kleenex...we should have stocked up on No-Doze....

Really.

It was an "Oprah-lecture". She walked on to the stage and pontificated about how she always wanted to be a teacher, and ended up with the biggest classroom in the world, how this show is for US -- her audience -- and she wants us to know that we always had the power...and because she WAS OPRAH...we all learned to be our best selves...blah, blah, blah...

About ten minutes into the show, her boring pink dress starts to annoy me. She's really too short-waisted to wear a belt...if she ever sits down, it's going to flip right up into her boobs...I'm starting to nod off on Val's sofa....

Then, in that loud, I'm-about-to-say-something-profound-voice -- Oprah booms, "here it is....the meaning of life....what I've learned after 25 years....."

Val squealed: Rita -- wake up! Oprah is about to tell us the meaning of life...

I sat up so fast I almost fell off the sofa....the moment we've been waiting for...here it comes...

Oprah: (after a long pause)... "Energy".

I looked at Val and said, "are you writing this down?"

Val: I'm not sure exactly when it happened...

Me: what?

Val: Oprah thinks she's Jesus...

It must be tough to be Oprah. Because it took a lot of restraint for her to choose that pink dress. Clearly, she was tempted to walk out on that stage in a long white robe, with a 3-D halo over her head...and a million-watt light shining down from above....